Seven Characters who Dealt With Incarceration In An Individual Manner

I mean, sure, you could JUST try and escape. But there are plenty of other options.

Opening Credits

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bad prison film. There’s something about the drama of people being deprived of their freedom that speaks very deeply to the human psyche, never mind what they’ve done to be banged up in the first place. Movies like The Shawshank Redemption and The Great Escape have an everlasting appeal.

The thing about prison films, though, is that prison is a bloody horrible place to be. From the film-makers’ POV this gives you a kick-start if its gritty drama you’re after making, but it does mean that if you want to make a lighter film, or even put lighter moments in your generally dark film, you need to be a bit creative.

1. Win The Respect Of Your Fellow Inmates

Luke Jackson in Cool Hand Luke (1967) dir. Stuart Rosenberg

“Nobody can eat fifty eggs!”

(*** WARNING - Contains egg-related spoilers ***)

Coolhand Luke is one of the few films to achieve an aggregate score of 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, and I can see why. It’s always been a favourite of mine.

Paul Newman plays WWII veteran Luke Jackson who is sentenced to two years hard labour on a chain gang after he “beheads” a row of parking meters.

He declines to respect the pecking order in the prison and fights Dragline, the head honcho, refusing to quit even though he is beaten to a pulp, thus earning the respect of the other prisoners.

As if that wasn’t enough, though, he successfully takes on a bet that he cannot eat 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour, earning him legendary status.

The movie has been called a Christ-parable, but I don’t recall any mention of Jesus eating eggs in the whole of the New Testament (and I was brought up Catholic, so I think its the sort of thing I’d have remembered). I mean, loaves, fishes, wine, yeah, but not eggs.

Now, I’m not one to diss the late, great Paul Newman, or indeed any of the characters he played over a stellar career, but the world record for eating hard-boiled eggs now stands at 141 in just EIGHT MINUTES, held by food athlete Joey Chestnut.

Fair play to Joey (his Youtube vids are so great, but also so wrong…but he IS an experienced professional Food Athlete, prepared for the event properly though, unlike Luke, who just decided to go for it one day out of boredom with no training.

2. Improve The Diet Of Your Fellow Inmates

Paddington Brown in Paddington 2 (2017) dir. Paul King

Imprisoned for ten years for a crime he did not commit, Paddington (above, left) is assigned duty in the prison laundry. An unfortunate incident with a red sock leads to the unusual pink tinge to the prisoners’ clothes.

The inmates are not happy with the food so Paddington takes it upon himself to complain on their behalf to the fearsome cook Knuckles McGinty (Brendon Gleeson, above, right). He manages to escape retribution for his cheek when Knuckles tastes one of Paddington’s marmalade sandwiches, and ends up with a job in the kitchen helping Knuckles set up a marmalade production line. This is so popular that Knuckles becomes indebted to Paddington, and helps him escape.

3. Annoy The Authorities Just For The Sake Of It

Ben Archer in Scum (1979) dir. Alan Clarke

Most of the kudos around this film is given to Roy Minton’s uncompromising script and an 18-year-old Ray Winstone’s menacing Carlin, in particular the “Who’s The Daddy?” scene with the billiard balls in a sock. Winstone is a fine actor and is very good in Scum, but he unfortunately tarnished the film’s legacy more than somwehat by recycling the phrase in a series of adverts Walkers’ Crisps.

I’ve always been more drawn to Ben Archer (above), portrayed by Mick Ford. If Gandhi had been put away in the Borstal portrayed in Scum his attitude would have been similar to that of Archer’s, only with less swearing maybe.

Archer is never violent or abusive to the screws, just articulately obdurate, and they have absolutely no idea what to do with him.

He becomes a vegetarian and refuses to wear leather boots, going barefoot even on enforced exercise marches. He declares himself an atheist to avoid Sunday morning church service, which also means a warder has to be occupied looking after him.

Just to piss them off.

Archer is diligently applying boot polish to his bare feet,

Carlin - You off your fucking nut?

Archer - Possibly.

Carlin - Jesus Chri

Archer - I'm a vegetarian, Carlin, and I've read the rule book. I refuse to wear leather on my feet. I get extra potatoes as substitute for meat, and I am allowed fish when on the menu.

Carlin - Yeah? Bet they give you stick for that, mate.

Archer - Yeah, they do. But it causes them a lot of bother, don't it?

Carlin - How long you done altogether then?

Archer - Sixteen months.

Carlin - Jesus Christ! You must love it!

Archer - They're not having me, the bastards. I don't eat shit for anyone, and I don't give a monkey's if I do the full two years. I'll walk out of here on crutches, but they won't have me.

…

Carlin - You don't do yourself no favors, do you, mate?

Archer - Carlin, I just want to get through my time in my own little way, causing as much fucking trouble to the screws as possible. In my own little way.

4. Think Of Your Mates On The Outside

James King (Will Ferrell) in Get Hard (2015) dir. Etan Cohen

James King (Will Ferrell) is a well-to-do investment banker who is sentenced to ten years for a crime he did not commit.¹ Accepting the situation, he is given a month to get his affairs in order before beginning his sentence and decides he needs to toughen up if he is to survive inside. He offers $30,000 to the only black guy he knows, Darnell Lewis (Kevin Hart) who runs the car wash near his office, to train him in “getting hard”.

It’s a good prison film with an industrial espionage subplot, with a lot of gags based on race differences and misunderstandings.²

The obvious gag hinted at in the title is ignored right up until the final scene, in when James is released from jail to find Darnell waiting for him, and there is a tearful reunion.

James - Sometimes I wasn’t hard so I thought of you until I got hard…

Darnell - I see you survived. I guess you got hard, Mayo.

James - No. You made me hard. Come here, man. Heh.

Darnell - Aah!

James - You made me hard. So hard. You got me so hard.

Darnell - I'm happy to see you too, big fella. I'm happy to see you.

James - There was a moment where I stopped being hard...but I thought of you, and it got me hard again. And I can't ever thank you.

Darnell - All right.Welcome home, man.

5. Overthrow Humanity From Your Cell

The Master (Roger Delgado) in Doctor Who:The Sea Devils (1972)

So far all our examples have been people who either didn’t deserve to be locked up at all, or whose punishment is out of all proportion to the crime committed.

This is not the case with The Master, renegade Time Lord and arch-enemy of The Doctor in Doctor Who.

When he was finally caught after running amok on our screens for twenty-six weeks, the charge sheet at his trial read:

• Three charges of aiding and abetting alien life forms in their attempts to take over the Earth / drain it of all life.

• Attempting to conquer the Universe by stealing Doomsday Weapon belonging to alien race called Time Lords³

• Setting up a Satanic cult in the small village of Devil’s End in Wiltshire

• Destroying a listed historical church in same location

• At least seventeen counts of murder

• Impersonating, variously, a business executive, a professor of penal psychology, a Post Office telephone engineer and a Church Of England vicar

Supposedly imprisoned for the rest of his life at an island prison, he manages to persuade the Governor and guards to obey him. He manages to contact the underwater Sea Devils - not aliens at all, but intelligent reptiles native to Earth - and effectively run the first part of their attempted overthrow of humanity from his cell⁴

6. Use The Time To Improve Your Physical & Mental Health

Skip Donahue (Gene Wilder) in Stir Crazy (1980) dir. Sidney Poitier

Skip (Gene Wilder) and his buddy Harry Monroe (Richard Pryor) are wrongly convicted of armed robbery and sentenced to 125-year sentences.

Skip gets on the wrong side of the Warden but his optimistic attitude to punishment gets him through.

One More Day, please?

7. Create An Invincible Suit Of Armour In A Week

Tony Stark aka Iron Man (Tales Of Suspense #39, 1963)

…and while you’re at it, include a power source to shore up your dicky ticker. Then when you finally DO escape, blow up the Communist base.

Closing Credits

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Seven Characters Who Took Rejection Well

Seven Films I Watched Once, Loved, But Will Never, Ever Watch Again

Thank you. Come again.

1. There’s a lot of it about.

2. You know all those people who say “you can’t do gags like that in movies any more”? Well, you can, and they do. In this film.

3. This charge thrown out owing to lack of credible corroboration, owing to said Time Lords being unable to complete the paperwork required for witnesses to attend.

4. When he’s not exercising on a rowing machine, reading a book or watching The Clangers on his colour television.