Worth A Read #4 - The Only Funny Beatles Book Ever Written

Spoiler - It's not the one by Albert Goldman.

The Word

I’ve always wished I was ten years older.

I worshipped the Beatles from when I started to become aware of pop music, which was a couple of years after they split up.

I could only imagine how it must have felt to have followed their progression over six years from She Loves You to Revolver to Abbey Road.

“And next we’ve got the new single by The Beatles”. Imagine turning the radio on and hearing the DJ saying THAT.

They were always on Radio One in the 70s, , particularly on The Double Top-Ten Show which ran down whole Top Tens from the 50s and 60s. That time they featured that week in 1964 when the US Top Five consisted entirely of Beatles songs was an eye-opener to me. How could such a thing have happened? ¹

Newspaper articles, the various solo works of the Beatles, older siblings or cousins, whether yours or your mates’, all helped piece the story together.

And then there were all the books.

Even though Philip Norman’s Shout: The Beatles In Their Generation and Ian Macdonald’s Revolution In The Head:The Beatles Records And The Sixties, an excellent guide to their music, were a few years in the future, it seemed like everybody who had ever worked for, met, been in a band with, went to school with, or opened a hotel door for The Beatles had a tale to tell that was lapped up both by older fans and those of us who had missed the heyday.

Rolling Stone writer Jann Wenner’s Lennon Remembers,from 1969.

Hunter Davies’ 1968 book The Beatles which remains the only authorized Beatles biography.

The Man Who Gave The Beatles Away by Allan Williams, the group’s manager in the Hamburg days.

And the book that came first. Love Me Do:The Beatles’ Progress by Michael Braun, with the writer following the Fab Four on their first US tour in 1964.

Come Together

Then there were the attempts to get the Beatles to reunite - strong rumours began to circulate in 1976 that promoters were wooing John, Paul, George and Ringo with eight-figure sums (and higher) to reunite for a one-off gig.

However, the one offer that was almost taken up by the band was made on Saturday Night Live. During the April 19th edition, producer Lorne Michaels addressed the camera thus:

In my book, the Beatles are the best thing that ever happened to music. It goes even deeper than that — you're not just a musical group, you're a part of us. We grew up with you.

Now, we've heard and read a lot about personality and legal conflicts that might prevent you guys from reuniting. That's something which is none of my business. That's a personal problem. You guys will have to handle that. But it's also been said that no one has yet to come up with enough money to satisfy you. Well, if it's money you want, there's no problem here. The National Broadcasting Company has authorized me to offer you this cheque to be on our show. A certified check for $3,000.

“All you have to do is sing three Beatles songs. She Loves You,’ yeah, yeah, yeah – that's $1,000 right there. You know the words. It'll be easy. Like I said, this is made out to ‘The Beatles.’ You divide it anyway you want. If you want to give Ringo less, that's up to you. I'd rather not get involved”

As it happened, Paul was staying with John and Yoko in New York at the time, watching the show, maybe a fifteen minute taxi ride away. John Lennon confirmed in 1980 that they nearly went for it:

“Paul ... was visiting us at our place in the Dakota. We were watching it and almost went down to the studio, just as a gag. We nearly got into a cab, but we were actually too tired. ... He and I were just sitting there watching the show, and we went, 'Ha ha, wouldn't it be funny if we went down? But we didn’t.”

So the greatest gag in the history of pop music was unfortunately averted.

But the potential of some sort of reunion story was not lost on rock journalist Marck Shipper…

“Paperback Writer” - A Novel By Mark Shipper

The Life And Times Of The Beatles: The Spurious Chronicle Of Their Rise To Stardom, Their Triumphs & Disasters, Plus The Amazing Story Of Their Ultimate Reunion

The book is long out of print. This is my cherished third-hand copy. Note the scrubbing out of Ringo by a previous owner. Many Beatles fans hold to the theory that Ringo died in 1968 and was replaced by Kenney Jones of the Small Faces.

In this version of the story we all know, everything is familiar but everything is changed

Album titles are “subtly” different (We’re Gonna Change The Face Of Pop Music Forever, Money - That’s What I Want, and so on).

Brian Epstein discovers the group playing at The Cavern. In real life, Epstein ran a record shop owned by his family. In Paperback Writer history is tweaked, ever so slightly

Even with all their local fame, The Beatles might never have gotten out of Liverpool if a young plumber named Brian Epstein hadn’t been called to the Cavern one night to repair a clogged pipe in the ladies’ restroom. Epstein, like all plumbers, was financially secure and more than a little bored with the occupation of plumbing.

The controversy over Lennon saying on a tour of the USA that The Beatles were now “bigger than Jesus” nearly finishes the band, with a born-again George Harrison threatening to quit. In the end, Epstein blackmails Lennon into agreeing to put out an apology to save the tour and the band’s reputation in the United States.

The following morning, more than seventy-five members of the local, national and international press were jammed into a small meeting room at the Dallas Fairmont. Hunched around large TV cameras were representatives from all three TV networks.

Just before introducing Lennon, Epstein whispered to him “You know what to say, John”.

“I’ll handle this, Brian” John whispered back. “But my way.”

Lennon proceeded to explain to the roomful of reporters that his statement about the Beatles being “bigger than Jesus” was misinterpreted.

“What I meant”, he said, “was that we are all TALLER than Jesus”.

The boys’ foray into films, A Hard Day’s Night, is a music-free art film which bombs at the box-office with all existing copies being destroyed. They never make another one.

The Sgt. Pepper album is a concept album devised by Lennon after his disgust on hearing that in the British Army, regular privates and corporals were not allowed access to the good condiments (full title Sgt Pepper Only Rank Club, Man).

And the drone at the end of the album has a dedicated army of fans who listen to it for years at a time.

The world record for “droning” as it is known was set by a Cherry Hill, New Jersey girl who was called “Drone Of Ark” by her friends, until she lost all her friends. She began listening to the drone on the day of Sgt, Pepper’s release in 1967, and continued to do so until the summer of 1976, when she went to New York to see Paul McCartney And Wings. She found the sound of the drone to be far superior to the sound of Wings, left the concert in the middle of Admiral Halsey and returned home to resume her drone listening. She remains there to this day.

The book is an absolute joy for anybody with even a passing familiarity with the history and mythology of The Beatles, and it’s written with genuine knowledgeand affection. All the major players and events are given a vicious and funny twist - Yoko, Dylan, the Maharishi, the breakup, the reunion...

Ah the reunion. Suffice to say that it is entirely logical, slightly depressing and very poignant indeed.

And, In The End…

We are frequently told we live in a post-truth age. Each and every one of the Beatles books mentioned in this piece – including the authorized one – has been criticized for factual inaccuracy by one or more of John, Paul, George, Ringo and (post 1980 on John’s behalf) Yoko.

Paperback Writer leans into this and is deliberately, and hilariously inaccurate in many places. And there’s clearly a lot of affection for the Beatles from the author, who sticks solidly throughout to the book’s central running gags.

And as a piece of speculative fiction which imagines what would have happened if the Beatles had got back together in the late seventies, it is difficult to argue with. My only beef is that the reunion happens and ends far too quickly, but then that’s probably more to do with my relationship with the gods we than the gods themselves.

Where To Buy The Book

I haven’t seen it in a second hand bookshop for a few years now, but it is available on ebay as long as you’re not too worried about the condition (see picture above - you have to realise that these books were all bought either by OCD collectors who keep all their artefacts pristine or people like me who read them without taking care of them before throwing them away or having them nicked by some bastard at a party.²

It is definitely worth checking out.

1. It was because they had already had loads of hits in the UK before breaking America, so there was already something of a back catalogue. But still…

2. I know who took it, and I WILL track you down.